Really enjoyed this. could really feel that this was just flowing out as your mind came up with it and each word triggered the next.
im not an afficionado of the rave scene so i dont know how well this rings true but it was a lyrical rhythmic rhyming pleasure to read and im guessing you DO know all about the scene so you had a reservoir of experience to bust the dam.
Really enjoyed this. could really feel that this was just flowing out as your mind came up with it and each word triggered the next.
im not an afficionado of the rave scene so i dont know how well this rings true but it was a lyrical rhythmic rhyming pleasure to read and im guessing you DO know all about the scene so you had a reservoir of experience to bust the dam.
This is where you catch your rhythm: Drums and drums and drums and drums and…lace. Black lace back lace, blonde hair, glittered eyes, smile wide, our ripples cross, creating smooth water between us.
Totally - it felt like a musical drop when I was writing it - like something just clicked... never had the thought Drums and Lace before that moment... music turned dup to 11 in my head.
The rhythm here is so much fun. Club scenes tend to be my favorite narratives to read because they're inherently charged with energy, motion, music, sensuality, sexuality, even a little bit of fear and surprise. You capture everything I like about a night like this with this one, conveying character through glances, brushes, skin-on-skin. It doesn't need anything more. I'd deign to say that adding anymore depth would spoil it for me, if only because I enjoy this solely as an exercise in body language. I like it as it is, it reminds me of a lot of my own technique
I feel like we would rave well together. I love the fleeting, ephemeral nature of the music and dancing in the dark. You can make a friend for life in a minute or have the deepest friendship for the length of a song. I love the weird chats at the bar, the moments that be and flow... every night has its own story and is pure stream of consciousness - nothing sticks, nothing really matters, but everything matters so much. Thank you for taking the time to comment... massively appreciate it.
Yeah the short expiry date on a night out is both the best and worst part. That’s why the best stories take place over one night, imo. It’s all about the feeling, feeling is supreme. Shout out to Bristol massive and all the uk references
It definitely has a poetic, EDM rhythm to it. The rhymes, slant rhymes, wordplay - brilliant. Reminds me of a time I was at a private event and Fatboy Slim turned up to do a set and I got completely lost in the rhythm, sound, lights, beat, bodies…
I enjoyed the way the connection with the mystery woman just happened, just because, since that’s how these things happen at times and places like these. The slightest look is a hook and then it’s tequila (or whatever).
Stream of consciousness is delightful because you just follow where your mind takes you. Don’t think too much, don’t edit, just follow the flow.
Could it be more refined? Yes. There’s always more work to do. But - it made sense, it flowed like nights like these often do, where something unexpected often does.
And kudos to the BRISTOL MASSIVE! I was at uni in Reading and this took me back to some trips (geographical and otherwise!).
Poetic... now that is praise from you! I got lost in the music in my head for half an hour, and this is what happened. The temptation to edit was so strong... tighten the structure, cut some fat. It was so weird knowing every word was committed - but it only really works when you don't think about the words... just let it flow, as you say, just like a night like this. Maybe that's why I went there - it was an easy option for my first try - The mystery woman is 100% my partner... we met at a Roller Disco, but we did share Tequila before we spoke... it's fun the way SOC bubbles memories to the surface and repurposes them as moments in the story - that may or may not be a thing, it's my first time. The BRISTOL MASSIVE, sadly not so massive these days, Motion is about to close - we have one more DnB night in June and then it's done - 20 years of memories bulldozed for Student flats... not right.
SoC is perfect for just letting things bubble up, and doing it to a soundtrack, even if it’s just in your head, is even better. I love the story behind the story. Yeah, the halls of residence where I lived are no more (replaced with student suites, how swanky!), most of the nightclubs are gone and the town centre is totally different! They’ll never take our memories though. NEVER!
Seriously, keep at it. I’m sure there’s more gold waiting to shine.
I think it works, for sure, and it was a very entertaining read. It’s impressive how well you incorporated rhythms and rhyming structures to mirror the club music writing stream of consciousness. And for the most part it didn’t feel like the coherency of the story was sacrificed in favor of that musicality.
The only time the more abstract nature of the prose confused me was when the protag and their later dance partner both agree to tequila, something about the way it is written had me thinking the protag was chatting up a bartender and I was baffled for a bit wondering why a bartender would leave a crowded bar to go dance with somebody. So a sentence worth of extra clarity would have been nice there.
As it stands, this piece is all vibes. Which totally works for it given the subject matter and that it’s stream of consciousness. But if you were to edit it and expand it a bit, there are depths to mine that are hinted at in the story but not explored. A sizable portion of this very short piece is dedicated to illustrating the middle-agedness of the POV character, and I wanted that to matter more. If I fill in the blanks around the vibes, it seems that detail is the beating heart of the emotional through-line but it’s never really paid off. Why is age important here? Why does it drive our POV character to clubs of much younger people? How does it make a connection on the dance floor that much more important and losing it that much more heartbreaking? Some things to think about if you consider a second pass.
Thank you for such thoughtful and constructive notes. So many great points in here. Your right about the Middle age but disappearing- I didn’t notice till you said - for me at a rave it always starts out with people talking about age, but by the end I’m the last one standing and they are all ruined in the corners- I think that’s why it faded away - something that felt like it mattered didn’t and something that did matter - her replaced everything. Never done a SOC before so not sure if losing or dropping threads is common but will take that away as a solid learn. Thank you for taking the time - genuinely appreciated.
Really been a long time since I’ve done molly… crazy evocative of the feeling.
Thank you - it’s a powerful feeling to try and convey - but relatable for lots of people I think
Really enjoyed this. could really feel that this was just flowing out as your mind came up with it and each word triggered the next.
im not an afficionado of the rave scene so i dont know how well this rings true but it was a lyrical rhythmic rhyming pleasure to read and im guessing you DO know all about the scene so you had a reservoir of experience to bust the dam.
The rave scene is just like the disco scene with less platforms and more baggies…for some reason I can imagine Nick Winney at Studio 54 -
Really enjoyed this. could really feel that this was just flowing out as your mind came up with it and each word triggered the next.
im not an afficionado of the rave scene so i dont know how well this rings true but it was a lyrical rhythmic rhyming pleasure to read and im guessing you DO know all about the scene so you had a reservoir of experience to bust the dam.
This is where you catch your rhythm: Drums and drums and drums and drums and…lace. Black lace back lace, blonde hair, glittered eyes, smile wide, our ripples cross, creating smooth water between us.
Totally - it felt like a musical drop when I was writing it - like something just clicked... never had the thought Drums and Lace before that moment... music turned dup to 11 in my head.
The rhythm here is so much fun. Club scenes tend to be my favorite narratives to read because they're inherently charged with energy, motion, music, sensuality, sexuality, even a little bit of fear and surprise. You capture everything I like about a night like this with this one, conveying character through glances, brushes, skin-on-skin. It doesn't need anything more. I'd deign to say that adding anymore depth would spoil it for me, if only because I enjoy this solely as an exercise in body language. I like it as it is, it reminds me of a lot of my own technique
I feel like we would rave well together. I love the fleeting, ephemeral nature of the music and dancing in the dark. You can make a friend for life in a minute or have the deepest friendship for the length of a song. I love the weird chats at the bar, the moments that be and flow... every night has its own story and is pure stream of consciousness - nothing sticks, nothing really matters, but everything matters so much. Thank you for taking the time to comment... massively appreciate it.
Yeah the short expiry date on a night out is both the best and worst part. That’s why the best stories take place over one night, imo. It’s all about the feeling, feeling is supreme. Shout out to Bristol massive and all the uk references
It definitely has a poetic, EDM rhythm to it. The rhymes, slant rhymes, wordplay - brilliant. Reminds me of a time I was at a private event and Fatboy Slim turned up to do a set and I got completely lost in the rhythm, sound, lights, beat, bodies…
I enjoyed the way the connection with the mystery woman just happened, just because, since that’s how these things happen at times and places like these. The slightest look is a hook and then it’s tequila (or whatever).
Stream of consciousness is delightful because you just follow where your mind takes you. Don’t think too much, don’t edit, just follow the flow.
Could it be more refined? Yes. There’s always more work to do. But - it made sense, it flowed like nights like these often do, where something unexpected often does.
And kudos to the BRISTOL MASSIVE! I was at uni in Reading and this took me back to some trips (geographical and otherwise!).
I’d love to see more SoC from you.
Poetic... now that is praise from you! I got lost in the music in my head for half an hour, and this is what happened. The temptation to edit was so strong... tighten the structure, cut some fat. It was so weird knowing every word was committed - but it only really works when you don't think about the words... just let it flow, as you say, just like a night like this. Maybe that's why I went there - it was an easy option for my first try - The mystery woman is 100% my partner... we met at a Roller Disco, but we did share Tequila before we spoke... it's fun the way SOC bubbles memories to the surface and repurposes them as moments in the story - that may or may not be a thing, it's my first time. The BRISTOL MASSIVE, sadly not so massive these days, Motion is about to close - we have one more DnB night in June and then it's done - 20 years of memories bulldozed for Student flats... not right.
SoC is perfect for just letting things bubble up, and doing it to a soundtrack, even if it’s just in your head, is even better. I love the story behind the story. Yeah, the halls of residence where I lived are no more (replaced with student suites, how swanky!), most of the nightclubs are gone and the town centre is totally different! They’ll never take our memories though. NEVER!
Seriously, keep at it. I’m sure there’s more gold waiting to shine.
Your stream of consciousness has a good voice and some pretty poetic turns!
Thanks Ian - I think my unconscious wanted to be anywhere but at my desk that day.
But did it work?
I think it works, for sure, and it was a very entertaining read. It’s impressive how well you incorporated rhythms and rhyming structures to mirror the club music writing stream of consciousness. And for the most part it didn’t feel like the coherency of the story was sacrificed in favor of that musicality.
The only time the more abstract nature of the prose confused me was when the protag and their later dance partner both agree to tequila, something about the way it is written had me thinking the protag was chatting up a bartender and I was baffled for a bit wondering why a bartender would leave a crowded bar to go dance with somebody. So a sentence worth of extra clarity would have been nice there.
As it stands, this piece is all vibes. Which totally works for it given the subject matter and that it’s stream of consciousness. But if you were to edit it and expand it a bit, there are depths to mine that are hinted at in the story but not explored. A sizable portion of this very short piece is dedicated to illustrating the middle-agedness of the POV character, and I wanted that to matter more. If I fill in the blanks around the vibes, it seems that detail is the beating heart of the emotional through-line but it’s never really paid off. Why is age important here? Why does it drive our POV character to clubs of much younger people? How does it make a connection on the dance floor that much more important and losing it that much more heartbreaking? Some things to think about if you consider a second pass.
All in all though, a great story!
Thank you for such thoughtful and constructive notes. So many great points in here. Your right about the Middle age but disappearing- I didn’t notice till you said - for me at a rave it always starts out with people talking about age, but by the end I’m the last one standing and they are all ruined in the corners- I think that’s why it faded away - something that felt like it mattered didn’t and something that did matter - her replaced everything. Never done a SOC before so not sure if losing or dropping threads is common but will take that away as a solid learn. Thank you for taking the time - genuinely appreciated.